Healing Broken Hearts

When we’re neck deep in our worst case scenario, the water lapping at our chins makes it difficult to keep from flailing our arms in panic.

Those waves washed over us yesterday afternoon, and I felt like I was drowning.

The technician did the echo cardiogram on the baby and then left for the doctor to review the results. We waited for nearly an hour, and in that time, I talked with my Jesus. I begged Him for good news, I begged Him to show us that our child is healthy, and I heard Him speak over my heart in the shout of His inaudible whisper…

Don’t listen to him. Don’t listen to what he has to say.

I knew He was telling me not to believe what the doctor was about to tell us. And that meant we were about to receive bad news.

After the torturous wait, the doctor came in and pointed out several Down Syndrome markers to prove that the test I had initially taken was accurate. And he told us that our baby has a hole in her heart, one that won’t correct itself. He continued as a matter of fact that our daughter will have to have heart surgery very shortly after birth.

And the water smacked my face while I tried to catch my breath.

We left the office with the names of a pediatric cardiologist/surgeon and a OB specialist who will have to deliver. My rock-solid husband pointed out the miracles we did see - like a pinky bone that wasn’t there six weeks ago, and a thinning nuchal membrane - both of which we prayed for and received. But I continued to flail.

When we finally arrived home last night, I didn’t research heart surgery on newborns, or Down Syndrome markers. I typed in the definition of “faith”. Strangely enough, I didn’t get it the way I thought I would. Instead, God led me to a screen where He spoke just as loudly to me as He had in the exam room of the doctor’s office. This is the first verse I read…

“Then Jesus answered, ‘Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.’ And her daughter was healed from that very hour.” Matthew 15:28

I quit flailing. The next verse I read…

“So that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.” I Corinthians 2:5

And I found peace. I also found my definition of faith…

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of things we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

This morning God woke me with the lyrics of a song in my head, like He usually does. But this song was upbeat and it confused me. Then I tossed the words over and over in my mind.

“I love the way you hold me. You have my heart.”

It was only when I quit panicking that God was able to snatch me from the depths and hold me safely in the crook of His arm.

Oh, God, as You hold me tightly I can hug Your neck and tell you with certainty that You have my whole heart.

And, praise You, Jesus! I can sink into You and find rest, knowing that You jealously and fiercely, have Emmy Faith’s heart, too.

Facing Your Fear

God speaks to me so much more than I'm usually willing to listen, but this past week, He's really gotten in my face. And I love Him for it.

Tomorrow we go, once again, to the prenatal specialist. Baby girl will have an echo cardiogram on her heart, and after all the bad, horrible, and worse news we've received, I simply don't want to go. As of last week, I was ready to cancel my appointment because living in denial has gotten so much easier than living in reality.

But then the same Bible verse started continually showing up - in Youth with Rhyan, multiple days in my Bible study, on my Bible app, leafing through the scriptures - when I would least expect it, it would be before my eyes. 

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Tim 1:7

"Spirit of fear". Fear is a spirit. And if it's not from God, then it's from Satan.

1 John 4:18 says that perfect love, God's love, drives out all fear.

God has the power to bind the spirit of fear and throw it to the ends of the earth. Praise God! He's stronger than our fears.

So, I kept my appointment, trusting that tomorrow, fear will be conquered in the midst of the machines, the specialists, and the results, by my God, my Protector.

If you're facing your own fear today, know that you didn't read this on accident. God's your Protector, too. And He just got in your face.

Understanding. Abortion.

The morning we were told our baby girl tested positive for Down Syndrome will always remain with me. There are no words to describe the hopelessness or devastation in those few short minutes. The doctor was sorry, he didn’t know what else to say. He told us several times that we needed to look at our "options" and make a “decision” until I finally looked him in the eye and told him that our decision was made. Matt and I chose life long before we ever met each other. Before we were married. Before we lived this life together. Before we prayed for this pregnancy. Before we saw our little girl’s heartbeat. Before we saw her ten fingers and ten toes and perfect little nose. Before she had a name…

We chose life.

Weeks later, the prenatal specialist used the same words. We had a “decision”. We had "options". I told this doctor the same thing I told the doctor before him. We choose life. He sighed and highly suggested we speak to someone who could tell us the challenges we will face. He strongly urged us to get all the information on how our quality of life will be diminished.  He didn't think she should live - he didn't want her to live.  And my anger burned. He was talking about my daughter. The child I adore. Somehow she’s not worthy of life because society deems her to have less value than children with the correct number of chromosomes.

So many lies.

In the days following that appointment, God continued to bring friends to mind who also had decisions to make during the course of their lives. Dear friends from high school who fell in love with their high school sweet hearts and chose to keep their babies to raise together. Girlfriends who stood without the father and fought to raise their child by themselves. Today, they can look into the eyes of their children without regret. I think of my friends who found themselves alone and pregnant and without emotional or financial help, or the precious friend whose child was conceived at gunpoint. They made one of the most selfless decisions of all, to endure the whispers and finger pointing only to place their baby into the arms of another mother to raise. I just can’t help but know that Jesus is so overwhelmingly proud of each one of you.

But even more on my mind were the girls who made a different decision. I picture the faces of those sweet souls who were lied to and listened to those lies, and I can’t help but feel such tremendous compassion for them. Even before I was saved, my heart was tendered to the girls who chose abortion, and I never knew why -- until a little over a month ago when I received the news that my future was not what I wanted it to be. While I didn’t think of abortion, I can honestly say that for a very brief time, I wished I wasn’t pregnant. I wondered how life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to walk this path. My future, like these friends‘, was terrifying and uncertain.

I’ve thought often of what I would say to that girl whose life was changed with one decision, and this is it. The lies are so loud. And I completely understand. I’ve faced off with the devil many times in my life. I know his games, I know his tricks. He’s the king of lies, the master deceiver. I can imagine how Satan stood so closely behind you and gently whispered in your ear - it’s just a clump of cells, no one will ever know, a baby will ruin your body, what are you going to do with a child, think of what people will say if they see you pregnant, you’re all alone, no one will help you, it won’t hurt, no boy will ever love you if he knows you‘ve had a kid…

Human mouths gave those words breath, perpetuating and validating the lie. And then just seconds after the procedure was complete, Satan stood before you and screamed in your face - Murderer! You just killed your baby, you have a secret you’ll have to keep forever, no one can ever know, you don’t deserve to ever be a mommy, what boy will ever want you now, Jesus could never love you, you are unforgivable…

Lies. So many lies.

Oh, beloved sister, if I could take your hands and look you in the eye, I would make sure you heard the truth in this very moment. Jesus died for YOU (John 3:16) NOTHING can separate you from His love (Romans 8:38-39). Jesus gave His life as a payment for our sins, all of our sins, no matter how big, no matter how small. We ALL sin and fall short of His glory (Romans 3:23) but there is NO CONDEMNATION in Christ (Romans 8:1). It is by grace, a gift we can never deserve, that we have been saved (Ephesians 2:8-9)

That is the truth. He was whipped and tortured, thorns tore his flesh, spikes nailed Him to a cross, and He died the cruelest of deaths, to bring us forgiveness and eternal salvation. But even more than that - our GUILT and our SHAME DIED with Him that day. Three days later, Christ was resurrected, but our guilt and shame stayed DEAD. There’s no place for them anymore.

Some have seen through the deceit and found Jesus in their pain - praise GOD. But sometimes those lies are all you’ve heard for years. Sometimes you’ve heard them for so long, they become your truth. But it’s time to make another decision, right now. Do you turn toward the God who saves, Jesus who’s been waiting all this time with aching arms to hold you? Do you accept the price He paid for our forgiveness that leads to eternal salvation? Or do you hold fast to the lies? You are the daughter of the King Most High. It’s time you start living it…

Make your decision, sweet girl. Choose Life.