I’ve always had a wall. It was constructed in toddler-hood and over the years it has grown thicker, taller, more impenetrable. While I’m the chief builder and designer, the devil has had his fair share in placing the stones, as well as people who never much liked me. Even friends who were supposed to help me break though and destroy it have had a hand in its solid foundation.
My wall is stocked full of my insecurities, pride, and fear. Every sin, every bad thought, every missed opportunity is one more inch, one more foot. God is on the other side, and I lose sight of Him. I try to knock down this wall on my own. I try to be good enough, do the right things, but I fail again and again, ever second of every day.
Whenever I think about what I should have done, and then what I shouldn’t have done, I place another rock on the pile. I think about my past and I re-stack stones that had already been there for years. My tears are the mortar and they obstruct God even more, so I continue to fortify the structure.
When Emmy was born, my deepest desire was for Him to use her to touch the world. I prayed it before she was born, I’ve prayed it every day since her birth. I pray it during my quiet time, I pray it as I kiss her at night before putting her to bed, I pray it before I sleep. Use her, Jesus – use me!
I’ll pray and I’ll feel Him peeking over the top of my wall. I want to talk to Him, but even more, I want to hear Him. His voice sounds muffled, and I get frustrated. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? There’s nothing I want more than to do His will. But I’m such a mess.
Even worse than a mess – I’m a sinner. The biggest one I know.
In the whirlwind of the media buzz, my God that I love with all my heart, answered my prayer. He has used my daughter and has grown others closer to Him. And He used my voice to tell her story. In the midst of it all, I got on my knees and I cried out to Him. I told Him about that wall and how much I hate it. It’s ugly, it’s painful, it’s filled with bitter memories.
And as I sat there, envisioning the wall in my mind, it disappeared. Just like that. It was completely gone.
What I’ve learned is that the only thing that can keep me from being used by God is me. That wall I can’t get through was torn down and ground to dust the second I asked Jesus into my life. I continue to try to reconstruct the very thing He died to tear down.
He’s not on the other side of the wall. He’s right next to me, taking the rocks from my hands and taking them His own shoulders. I’m forgiven. And while I’ll never lead a sinless life, I will strive every day to do better, be obedient, and go where He leads.
Because He will lead. And when we trust Him with our lives, nothing can get in the way. The wall's gone!
So let’s go.